Reason # 103

I'm no gazelle, but for a big girl, I like to think I am pretty quick on my feet. I know I at least think quick on my feet. I live in a constant state of being very "body aware". Not saying this is a good thing, it's a tiring full time job. I boil it down to a mental compensation for a physical abundance. The need to always look around and make sure you're "together" or going to be "together" within the next few minutes. I don't always get it right.

Example, I photograph weddings. It is a very vigorous, spontaneous, go-go-go day for me. It takes it's toll, mentally, emotionally (bridezillas) and mainly physically. I'm supporting a bulky heavy camera & flash. I'm toting around a camera bag & laptop. I'm eyeing the situation non-stop and need to be trigger ready at all times. Maneuvering from A-B needs to be quick and efficient. Easy right? Not if you're already widen frame is now extra wide with equipment.

"I'm so sorry I just ran into your person, my butt has a mind of it's own. I can't take it anywhere"

I've literally said this. Of course, it's natural to make light of an awkward situation when it comes to an insecurity. But, sometimes, I just have to laugh at myself. This is my excuse: I've gained and lost weight so many times that I honestly believe I have no space recognition left. Is it a real diagnosis? Probably not. Who cares, this is my blog. I'm talking about trying to rush through rows of chairs, or tables or passing people on a staircase and TOTALLY underestimating the space you need. Embarrassing. Painful. Hilarious. You have no idea what I'm talking about? Some of you do, let's be honest. I had a very good friend tell me she once passed a table at Starbucks and knocked a man's pastry clear off his plate with her well endowed behind. Priceless!

Well, at yesterday's wedding, I took the cake, (quite literally. Good thing it was WAY too sweet and one bite gave me my fill and 3 cavities), and had an epic public FALL!

After lining up my young, good-looking, very obedient bridal party, I went to press the shutter but went shuddering down instead. Uneven pavement coupled with walking backwards and the sun in your eyes will tend to do that. With my quick thinking (lol), I raised my camera up above my head which left nothing to break my fall. Oh wait, my hip broke my fall and my fall nearly broke my hip. Thank God I'm still in tact, although my pride took a bruising.

I was mortified. But, what's a girl to do? Back to work! I then had to reassure all watching that I was okay and fit to carry on. Save the pain for later. Once I got in my car, I had to laugh. What on earth did THAT look like? Thank goodness I will never know! So much for being self- aware at all times. It's all part of getting over your hold ups. You're not always going to look perfect and put together. But, how do you recover? I could have beaten myself up all week with "fat and clumsy" thoughts. But, it's another reason to want it (health) more. Not that being in shape nullifies you from falling on your smaller butt, but with less weight coming down on the pavement, there's less insult to injury. I woke up in all kinds of pain in my body but a secret, self-sarcastic smile.

And so....reason # 103

Catch up

My friends, my sweet, sweet, friends. I am so sorry you haven't heard from me in so long. Summer is upon us and wedding season is in full swing. As many of you know I am a photographer (plug) and coupled with fundraising for India and Thailand, I will be one busy bee during the following months. I will try as best as I can to keep my blogs updated and fancy fresh.

Oh yeah, I'm going to India in Novemeber and then on to Thailand to work with some incredible friends who are making a difference in this world through their selfless serving. I am beyond excited and can't wait for this opportunity to be used.

I will be helping many many people in the cities and villages through worship, medical outreaches, working at orphanages, feeding the poor but most importantly....preaching the WORD of God! I live for this. It's what I was born to do.

Needless to say, now more than ever I need to press in about my health. Traveling is hard enough on a body, let alone when it's heavy and tired all the time. Feet swelling, joint aches, dehydration, lack of sleep, different beds, different foods, different EVERYTHING! Some days, you just want your own pillow and well.....that aint plausible. I know from trotting the globe as much as I have so far, you have got to take care of yourself if you want to be vital to others! Or you fight to keep your head above water and CRASH hard when you get home...trust me.

My big adventure on the horizon got me thinking. I know this is what I want to do with my life. This is who I want to be and what I want to do. I was born with a traveling heart and a cultured soul, but somehow got comfortable in the middle (and squishy). The American dream looked good to me and I pursued it. But, its charms were deceiving and it's taste sour. I gave it more than it gave me and it was a selfish pursuit. My heart was left wanting and my desires not satiated.

But now, I know I will never be happy or fully satisfied by illusions of what I can have, earn or keep in a life that I am not meant to be living. There is only one life for me, His life. What does that mean? I am still finding out. But, I know if I seek Him with everything, then all the rest will be added, so I shouldn't waste time seeking them out. I know the majority of my weight struggles and food addiction stem from the fact that I fought the call of God on my life for all these years. I mean the real, full call. Not just being a good Christian and doing my small part here and there and then going home to myself and my ways and all that is want and lust.

No. I mean the call of giving myself away to all that He wants of me and living every day to define that definition.

Admittingly, it's taking quite some time to turn this ship around. Still have my bad days. Who doesn't? The mind is a hard thing to change and some days, it still takes the best of me. I am determined. I am strong. I am saying these things through faith! I know I can do it.

I am moving on and up and learning much about myself, those around me and Him. He who is all and in all. The only way to beat this heaviness that I have added to my frame to trap me from the fullness of life. His life. Real life.

Okay, so for a lighter ending, here are some pics from my recent "sensible shoe" hunt. Just for the sake of not offending anyone, if you own any of the following foot ware, I apologize in advance. It's all in good fun. A hopeless endeavor. The right one has yet to be found. The search continues..

A nice spring time disaster, complete with "fashionable" wooden embellishments. A total sham.

The only noise your shoes should make is a thump from hitting the floor after being removed.

Pocahontas is rolling in her burial grounds.

Mrs. Doubtfire tries out as an extra for Gladiator.

Surfs up. Fashion down.

Even Smurfette is blue over these sad shoes.