Funny thing, numbers. Digits of measurement that dictate our lives through manipulating our emotions. If they're BIG, they're great - in regards to your bank account, but not the scale. If they're small they're horrible - in regards to your IQ, but not your cholesterol. You face them daily from the moment you roll over in bed to the sound of your alarm at 7:30am and so on. You step outside to see what the temperature is to determine long or short sleeves, but what size is your long or short sleeve shirt? NUMBERS!
Then it's 2 eggs because 3 is too much, it's one piece of toast to cut the carbs, it's zero butter to cut the fat, it's Starbucks Via to cut the time. NUMBERS! We run on them and they run over us.
AGE, there's a big one. Your license states your height, your age and thanks to California, your WEIGHT?! These digits identify and represent you. What about the nine digits of your good ol' SSN? What about describing that someone to someone...."You know, the tall guy"
Back to age for a moment. As stated in my bio, I turned the big 3-0 this year and like many women was faced with all the "zero's" associated with getting older. You know - zero kids, zero husband, zero white picket fence, ZERO goal weight! You could take a LONG detour down that road and get completely lost if you let yourself. The so-called "normal" standards that will break your back and mock you if you let them.
I suppose numbers do give us a way to measure and prove to ourselves and others that change is occurring. We're a society of "seeing is believing" and faith is slowly being removed from conversation. The human race is a daily dash and long term thinking is for the ancient. It's microwave success and now, now, now. Lotto tickets, horoscopes, blood pressure, clocking in on time..... NUMBERS!
I got thinking about numbers this week, as we all know, I'm using this blog to document, vent, share, exhort, encourage and just about spill my guts in a public forum about my road to weight loss. Yes, it's been a while since my last words and there was me, avoiding it. Knowing the truth. Knowing that MY numbers have been considerably small in comparison to the number of days. 17 pounds down. Good. But not great for 4 months. There was me hanging my head in shame and guilt for the number of cheat days and missed days at the gym. Sure, stuff came up.
My constant foot pain and now hip pain making my number of gym days obsolete. But, never the less, I have felt and seen change. I knew this would be trial and error, patience and grace, waiting and seeing.
Funny thing, numbers -they don't lie.
Am I wrong in getting discouraged about what I "see" on the scale. For a moment, no. But, truthfully, I started recognizing that I AM moving forward. My steps might be the only little thing about me at the moment, but it's still forward. I find myself seeing and thinking differently, not focusing alone on the outward changes, but finding comfort in what has been happening INSIDE this body.
I can't afford to prove myself or "find" myself through numbers. We've all been there. Step on scale one day, lose 3 pounds feel amazing - step on scale next day gain 3 pounds - feel horrid. I asked myself a hard question this week: Would I ever really accept myself unless I was thin? Maybe you've asked yourself the same or maybe it's if you were smarter, prettier, richer? All external, numerical measures of something that is not eternal.
Don't get me wrong - my weight loss is STILL of high priority.
But, certainly, the over-bearing importance of numbers have changed. I can't possibly step on a scale and measure the internal growth, peace, wisdom or contentment I have gained over these past few months all from allowing God to take control over my life. Having finally surrendered to His call, I am trusting in Him to redeem the time. I will do my part (however faulty or minimal at times that may be) I KNOW with hard work and patience, this weight will come off. I am determined, but heck, I could be superwoman losing 5 pounds a week and still feel empty or unfulfilled if I wasn't allowing Him to fill me. Which He is and I'm exceedingly grateful.
Funny thing about numbers - they're relative and don't take much faith. Are you going to believe the change if you don't see the numerical value? Or will you keep pushing on trusting that with faith and patience, you will finish this race.
