Friday, April 15, 2011

This one is tough...


While at my moms the other day, I stumbled across an old box of photos. As I shifted through, I suddenly came to a screeching halt. There was an image of a woman. A tall, blonde, blue-eyed, woman. A thin woman. I was overcome with shock and disbelief. The reality of 150+ pounds that currently added to my frame was staggering. Who was this girl? Although we had the same eyes and smile, I was confused and disconnected from her.

These photographs got me thinking. I thought about those days of where I was and how I felt. And then, I was transported back to times of running up stairs, confident beach trips, sweat-free forehead and all the other life perks that came with shedding excess fattage. It was wonderful! It was bitter-sweet.

The following is a very personal confession of the place I came from over the past years. There's always an element of fear attached to being honest, but God has delivered me from the shame. I've come to realize that my vulnerability is a small price to pay for the chance of helping even one.

Like so many millions of women/girls around the globe, I fell into believing a lie about my self image. After years of dieting, starving, bingeing and struggling, I decided to take a walk on the dark side of eating disorders. It was right before moving to Florida in 2003, that I first experimented with bulimia. Like any untreated sickness, it grew considerably worse as the months/years went on. Before long, it was part of my life and routine. As the weight minimized so did the concerns of harm I was doing to my body. All that mattered was the image my eye saw, not the unseen soul my actions were damaging.

I won't go into details, but any food I did keep down, was vigorously exercised off. I kept track of calories like a skilled accountant and my mind was in a constant race to make sure everything added or subtracted correctly - 5 bites of that equals 40 mins on the treadmill, etc. I became an expert of covering up my tracks and not leaving any traces of this evil that was literally eating me from the inside out. It was too sickening to dwell on. So the denial walls quickly erected around my shaky foundation. This wasn't me, this was someone else. I would never do this. I would never let myself get so out of control and for what? Approval? Contentment? Happiness?

Because I was literally having to lie to myself on a daily basis to over ride my seemingly good common sense, I became extremely unstable and deluded. Now, even simple choices and decisions were complicated and confusing. I had no focus, no joy, no peace. I ended up on a cocktail of anti-depressant and anxiety meds, as well as sleeping pills. All of which I abused. I struggled daily with the shame and wondered why was I experiencing this as a Christian? But, I was too smart for that, I knew this was %100 my choice. This was the way to have what I wanted, what I had failed at in every other attempt my whole life. There were times when I tried hard to cease and desist and just focus on a healthy lifestyle. But, the doses of good intentions were too weak to withstand that old nag. This had turned from %100 my choice to no choice in the matter because I had become a slave. The damage, shame and actual physical pain failed in comparison to the fabricated elation I was drowning in.

Flash forward.

Long story short, I end up moving home to NY shocked, shamed and slim. I was met with a flood of applaud and "way to go's" from friends and family. Of course, who could blame them? I came so far and worked hard, right? I smiled and joined in with the celebrations all the while holding onto my sick secret. "Plenty of diet and exercise" pretty much ended any suspicion.

As the time went on the secretiveness was too much to carry. I was screaming in a crowd and no one heard. Partially because I didn't want to be say it out loud, that would make it too real and also because I wasn't completely sure I wanted to change. What would happen? How could I handle being back there?


I had to make a decision, because there was no limbo for me. I was spiraling down at an alarming rate.

I decided to come clean.

Great. Now I'm one of THOSE people. The kind who needs "help" and counseling and oh God....therapy. My honest confession was met with prescriptions and group sessions, couches and sentences starting with "How did that make you feel....?" Blah. It helped to a certain extent. Once you shed light on something the darkness has to flee. This is true. But, something was still missing. Surrender. Total and complete surrender of the control I thought I had accomplished. In reality, I was out of control.

So here's where the story ends.

Nope.

In September of 2008, I opted for elective weight loss surgery and decided to have a Lapband put in. The bulimia might have backed off, but the weight gain hadn't. I was scrambling again. What to do? I needed an out. I could NEVER go back, I'd die. I made that pact with myself.



Waking up out of surgery, I hadn't a clue of what I'd just signed up for. Here I am thinking I just made a wonderful choice and my weight loss struggles were over once and for all. I can move onwards and upwards and...thinwards? Yo homey, was I wrong.

Truth is: there's no easy fix. You know that if you've ever tried ANY weight loss tactic. Take a pill, lose a pound, gain back 30. Starve yourself, binge. Cut out carbs, eat an entire pizza after a week. Go under the knife with false expectations - end up with a souvenir of failure in your tummy. And yet, we'll try and try to fool ourselves into thinking hard work has nothing to do with the answer. Oh, but it IS the answer. Hard work and surrender to the Lord. So, after NOT working with my surgery to produce the desired result and finally getting through 2 years of sore disappointment and regret, I find myself here today.

Here as in: Friday, April 15, 2011. Week 8 of my journey. All time heaviest weight, but down 12 pounds. Here again at the beginning. The beginning of the right way. Looking past all the failures, forgetting the past choices and stupid mistakes. Forgiving myself, encouraging myself and seeing myself as more than a conqueror. Focussing on Him and the help only He can give. Running this race one day at a time knowing the lessons learned will be invaluable. Living in love, joy, peace, long suffering and self control because those are the best fruits for you. Always ripe, always beneficial, always in season.

On a missions trip in Montserrat - Caribbean
Hiking in the Catskills
At my home in Jacksonville, Fl. Lowest weight: 162

6 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for your continued vulnerability and honestly and sharing. it really is refreshing and encouraging and RAW:)....which is rare and really great to hear/see. You are keeping reality at the forefront for me and others:) thanks Alice...and way to go on the 12 lbs....and even more way to go on the continued surrender and reliance on the Lord!!

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  2. “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1Peter2:9

    You are declaring his praises! The love of God is shining forth from you like a beacon! Thank you Alice for the honesty and openess that you bring around issues of how we deceive ourselves but once into the light,the darkness (which really had no power) really has no power!

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  3. Praying for you Alice!
    Praying for your strength to continue the hard work & peace to know that it will work with His help.
    <3 Christine Williams <3

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  4. Thank you for your total honesty!! I'm praying for you too, as I understand the struggle with weight, and self-image! Awesome about the 12 pounds!!!

    Kathy

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  5. What a brave and honest look. Thank you for continuing to share your story.

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  6. Didn't know you could get lovelier than you were.. and whalla... you just did! XXXOOO

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